I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
