new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
