She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
