Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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