I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize