She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
