My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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