They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
