I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
