I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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