Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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