my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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