guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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