Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
