can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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