I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
