So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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