So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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