you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
