wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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