I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
