the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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