My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
