I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
