Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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