Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
