My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
