Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
