question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
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