I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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