ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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