i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Randomize
