i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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