nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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