Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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