My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
