Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
