Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
