At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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