She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
