Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
