So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
