I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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