remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i believe in u and ur pee
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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