Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
