I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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