Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
