JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
