just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
