It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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