Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Randomize
