i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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