Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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