ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
