Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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