Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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