i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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