remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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