Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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