If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
