Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize